Que Sarah, Sarah

So it’s been a while since I blogged. As of late, I’ve been thinking about the purpose of outlets such as blogs, Twitter, Facebook, etc…I’ve become a little concerned that my blogging and tweeting only promote a more narcissistic approach to life, and a less private life to boot. Nonetheless, here I am, blogging again, I suppose, because I see value in making certain ideas, thoughts, and goals public. I like the idea of accountability to a reader (or readers) of my blog. I hope to avoid blabbing about the mundane, inane details of my daily routine, and instead, write with sincerity and honesty (but not too much honesty…I still don’t want to put myself out on the web too much) about what happens outside of my daily routine. I also want to avoid reviving my blog as a rant on the world.

All of that aside, I want to post right before the calendar turns over to 2010 about my own personal goals for 2010, not as, as I fear in blogging about this, a narcissistic, entirely self-absorbed, “how many times can I use “I” in a sentence” declaration of the wonderful things I want to do, but so I have some readers out there who can hold me accountable. Think “forum”, not journal entry.

We all can have really unreasonable expectations at the start of the a new year. Unrealistic new year’s resolutions inevitably set me up for failure. I end up wanting to do too much; I have too much hope for too many things and then nothing gets accomplished! Even in warning myself, I can’t help setting some goals for the coming year. This year will different, I feel, because I have been prepping my heart and mind for real life change over the past month or so. I hope putting these goals on a blog, like I said before, will help me hold myself more accountable to these changes.

Spiritual Self: Last night, my grandpa shared a Christmas card he had gotten with the rest of the family. It was a card he’d gotten out the blue from a woman who had worked with my grandma as a teacher years ago. Inside the card, she’d included a copy of a Lenten journal entry written by my grandma less than 6 months before she died of cancer. This woman had stumbled upon the entry and passed it along. My grandpa made me read the entry because he couldn’t read the entry without crying. In the entry, my grandma, a woman I regretfully had no time to truly know, detailed the ways in which cancer taking over her body had made her not only close to God in an unprecedented way, but also fearless in the face of death. To me, it seemed almost as if she was able to look at the cancer as a blessing of sorts, as it made her aware of joy in life.

Reading the entry, on Christmas Eve, with my family could not have been more timely. I have been a lazy follower of God (if one can even be lazy and a follower). My faith is underdeveloped and underexpressed, and my knowledge and understanding of my religion inadequate. In the coming year, I want to read more scripture purposefully and sincerely, so I can grow in my relationship with God. I want to open my heart further to the path God has set for me. I want to work to make all of my actions reflective of my faith. All of this can only come from a religious gut check. I’m ready. I’m anxious with anticipation for what I can discover if I open my eyes and my heart to God and His will. I want to be fearless.

Physical Self: Not separate from my spiritual self, I have an new found desire to change my physical self in the coming year. God has blessed me with a body free of disease or illness. Vanity will only get me so far (though I do want to look good on my wedding day). I have no expectations of becoming a marathon runner right now (though running a shorter race this year would be so great!). I want to be realistic with myself. I want to be strong again. I want to find joy in making my body stronger. Just because. Not to be a certain size or to wear certain clothes. I also want to be a fit wife for my husband. His job, his life and his safety are directly influenced by his physical shape. I will be a better wife, and he a better husband, if we can help each other stay fit.

Financial Self: I am going to try to be in save, save, save mode this coming year. For Christmas, I got James and myself a financial book for newlyweds. I want us to read it cover to cover and then read more to prepare for our new life together. We must be educated before June. I will not let my wedding become a financial beast that will burden me, James, or our families with exorbitant debt. I want to balance my checkbook more frequently, put less on my credit card and use cash to pay for more things, keep my financial records in shape, and again, SAVE MONEY. I thank God for a paycheck going into my checking account every two weeks and for my parents letting me live with them this year. The real world is knocking on my door, and I’m lucky to have a year to earn money while living at home.

Intellectual Self: I want to read more and study for and take the GRE before the fall. Learn more about graduate school. Practice Chinese to make sure I don’t lose all of my language skills. I want to keep a small journal with me at all times to write down anything I realize I need to do, want to research or look up, or want to tell someone else about. Go to the library more and stop buying books as often! Learn more about my SLR camera and photo editing.

Practical Self: Learn more about car maintenance. Organize all of my belongings for the move next summer and prepare to leave my room at home as clean as possible. Scan, edit, organize and print all family photos and slides we have before they deteriorate. I want to give them to my grandpa and dad before I move out.

Well, this is all a lot to bite off. I don’t expect to accomplish all of it or to excel at everything I hope to attempt. I simply hope in putting these goals out there, where, at the very least, my fiance, can see them, will push me in the right direction. I feel a fire in my heart to make a deliberate change in these areas of my life.

On Christmas Day, I hope the significance and meaning of this holiday bring the big picture into focus for all of us. Remember the humble way in which the Son of God came into the world. Merry Christmas to everyone out there!

Next entry: Antique store find and an idea it prompted, the move to “get moving”

Just a quick update, as I’m too tired to write anything profound, interesting, or lengthy. I did finish Step Back From the Baggage Claim, continue to work on Purpose Driven Life and the pre-marriage devotional when I can, and am re-reading Blue Like Jazz. When I have time, I want to break down some concepts and ideas that come out of Baggage Claim (having been in an airport since reading it) and Blue Like Jazz. I’m just too tired for that now, and I want to read more into Blue before making a big post.

I do have the energy to post some fun activities I would like to do with my family this fall to both recreate childhood memories and branch out from our routine:

• Go to the apple orchard
• Bake with those apples
• Go to the pumpkin patch
• Try to try one new recipe per week
• Carve pumpkins and roast the seeds
• Pass out Halloween candy with my mom
• Learn, from start to finish, how to handle a 20 lbs. turkey at Thanksgiving

More later!

Fair food results from tonight:

1 Chicken Gyro

1 Super Jumbo Sweet Tea (Thank goodness I didn’t get the Super Jumbo Jug)

1/2 Medium Fry (Split with Mom)

1 Large Shaken Lemonade

1/2 Funnel Cake

All of this amounts to one giant food hangover. Blech. So worth it though.

Sidenote: Want goats more than ever after tonight’s trip through the barns. Still on my dream job list: raising goats. *Sigh*

So I have some observations about my job. The people I work with fall into the following categories: those grateful to have a job, powertrippers, those who take their job for granted. Most of the people I work with fall into the first category - thank you, God! Hundreds of people showed up to the job fair for our company, including (once) high-powered execs who had been laid off recently. These are tough times in the job market, so most people I have encountered are more than happy to do what they are told, when they are told to do it, for as long as they must. The second category of people take a good day with smiling children and other happy coworkers fitting into the first category and make it MISERABLE (surprise, surprise). There are several other assistants (JUST LIKE ME) who feel they have the right to lord over me the whole day, who refuse to take a joke, and who even go so far as to boss the photographers around. This astounds me. After a company memo went out this past week about tardiness, one of these such people remarked loudly for all to hear, “I LOOOVE getting e-mails that don’t apply to me!”. I’m sorry, but who died and made you president of the company? The same individual expressed great shock at my personal efficiency on the job (“Oh wow, I didn’t think you’d be done with that work yet!” *patronizing tone*). These people take the potential for a fun-filled, fast-paced day, and s*&t allllll over it. My defense mechanism to this sort of obnoxious person is the passively aggressive, snarky remark. What else can you do when the boss might randomly stop by a job, when the photographers can hear everything you’re saying, and when your other coworker occasionally sides with this type of person? I count myself in the first category of people, and as such, intend to keep my job! The third type of person is in some ways the worst. I’ve worked with a man quite a few times who insists aloud, as a retired man, that he this is not his “real” job, but just a hobby, and that he had a “real” career for 30 years, a statement which is not only insulting to the rest of us doing the best we can, but also in the sense that this is “real” job! Others disguise their ungratefulness with apathy towards the job. Instead of essentially stating they are better than the job, they act like they are too good for it through complaints and inefficiency. Where these people are too proud to call what we do a job (and it is, my friends, a job, one like any other), the second type of people consider it a Very Important Job. In reality, it is simply a job, one that should neither be belittled as a “hobby” nor inflated as a VIJ. I suspect those who powertrip are actually insecure with the job, and must make themselves feel as overinvolved and self-important as possible so as to compensate for what they worry are the inadequacies of the job in others’ eyes. While in different economic times, I too would hope for a higher-paying, possibly “more prestigious” job, I am blessed to have found work when there are few jobs to be had and to have found a job that aligns with some of my interests. The long and the short of this rant is: SHUT UP AND DO YOUR JOB WITH CONSIDERATION FOR THOSE AROUND YOU!

In other news, I’m going to the county fair tonight to check out the barns full of farm animals and eat some hella greasy food. The extreme fried food (i.e. fried coke, fried snickers, fried oreos) doesn’t really appeal to me. Tonight, I’m in the mood for gyros, pizza, fair french fries (very different from your average fry), funnel cakes, elephant ears, and shaken lemonade. It’s doubtful that I’ll manage to eat all of these delicious heart-stoppers in one night, but a girl can dream. And yes, for those of you wondering, these types of food do (what a miracle!) fit into my bridal beauty regimen. But just tonight :)

500 Days of Summer was really good. The longer I reflect on it, the more I like it. I thought it was going to have more of an anti-romantic comedy ending than it did. Instead the screenwriter opted to have that ending followed by a second less heart-wrenching ending, where *SPOILER* everyone ends up a-okay. Jason Gordon-Levitt is delightfully clingy, unabashedly emotional, and sexy as hell (dimples, hello!) from start to first ending (then he grows a little for the second ending). The movie made me laugh, made me angry (thank goodness it didn’t end up being one of those cynical “love doesn’t exist” movies), and made me think. It felt at times like a spoof on the romantic comedy, at times a little cliche, and at other times, a little pretentious, but overall, I highly recommend it. Here’s one of the funnier scenes (reminds me of Enchanted): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2seAJsrtIbQ

I also recently saw Julie & Julia. Meryl Streep, obvi, nails her Julia Child characterization. Amy Adams and the guy who played her husband were not totally right for the part. The husband’s character got waaay too into eating the food (taking a food movie where you don’t want it to go…CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH CLOSED AND TAKE SMALLER BITES - EW!). Amy Adam’s natural sweetness made the whole point of the movie (how Julia Child and her recipes saved a woman in a deadend job without much zest for life) somehow a little too melodramatic, cliche, and cheesy. Something just didn’t click on the emotional level with Amy’s storyline. Meryl, however, melted my heart with her depiction of Julia’s relationship with her husband (but why did they cast Stanley Tucci as her husband though? He plays a gay stylist to Meryl’s ruthless fashion mag editor in Devil Wears Prada and that is ALL I could think of when I saw Julie & Julia!) Here’s a great clip from that: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxZIqlv-Qro

My trip to the mall today confirmed three things to me: 1. Skirts are too short. 2. People are too pushy. 3. I have a consumer crush on Ann Taylor Loft.

After my morning coffee, I went with my mom for a mid-day coffee (caffeineeeeee!) and an afternoon of casual “let’s find some more outfits for work” shopping day. While I have a pretty love-hate relationship with Forever 21, their bargain basement prices never fail to woo me into their stores. I am too cheap for my own good. I even convinced my mom to go in there, despite the fact that their new look for the season is a twist on punk and that we are both the furthest thing from punk. I think of shopping at Forever 21 as digging through a landfill for rare, precious pieces of treasure. The vast majority of their clothing is well-intentioned and trend-conscious (maybe too much so according to major designers such as Diane von Furstenberg and Anna Sui who allege XXI stole clothing designs from their original collections), but unsuitable for most body types. And by this, I don’t mean their clothing is unfriendly to curvy women or plus sized women or anyone (they now have a plus sized line and contemporary, “more modest” line). Women of all shapes and sizes can theoretically wear their clothing. In reality, however, Forever 21’s clothing, if worn improperly, or in many cases, worn at all, can transform the average tween into a scantily clad tartlet. The main issue here is with the length of the skirts and shorts. Where necklines are usually modest on their cuter dresses, skirt lengths are barely long enough to cover one’s behind. In my case, they do not cover my behind. Spend 5 minutes in the dressing room and you’ll see more than you ever wanted to of complete strangers. As I noticed today, they do not cover the mannequins’ behinds either.

At the risk of getting on my soap box, I have to ask why the hem lines are so short? I also advise anyone shopping at XXI to do so carefully. Spend some time scouring the racks for the trendy gems (as they do occasionally have pretty adorable things), PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF PETE wear leggings or better yet, pants, under those ambiguous shirt/dress thingies, and don’t be disappointed when your new purchases fall apart after several washings. There’s a reason they are so cheap. They have cute, cheap jewelry that also may fall apart after a few wearings. Also, don’t shop exclusively at XXI or let your daughter under 16 enter the store. I’m no fashion expert, but there’s no way you should spend too much money (however small the amount) on their ultra cheapy clothing. All this said, today I found a very cute dress (it’s “long” and reaches still only goes down to a few inches above my knee) that will wear with tights/leggings and a fall jacket for those crisp evenings out and about. Their new contemporary line, Love 21, is a vast improvement, as well, from their general pool of clothing. The hem lines are still too a little too short, but the clothing is a little less trendy and a little more forgiving size-wise. The final confusing thought I have about XXI: why do they print “John 3:16” on the bottom of all of their shopping bags? Apparently, the founder of the company is fervent (Korean-American) Christian.

Second confirmation of the day: people are STILL pushy. I clearly don’t get out enough. I even work with a lot of pushy parents at my job who think insulting my intelligence is a good way to get me to do my job more efficiently. But seriously, people, get the f*%k out of my way! Share the road! Today, I was even mowed down by a salesperson in a store and had to force myself into a corner to get out of her way. Ridonk. I’ve tried to combat what seems to be my overly accommodating way of moving through crowds by literally confronting the issue head on. I walk straight at people in my path (and in whose path I am walking) to force them out of my way. It rarely works. I suppose, though, if everyone were overly courteous when walking, we’d all be stopping and trying to let each other pass one another. Or maybe there would be peace on earth. Who knows. I just always feel like I’m in someone’s way. And I don’t walk that slowly. It’s sort of like step back from the baggage claim.

Third item on the agenda: Ann Taylor Loft *LOVE*. I’ve always poked around this store when I’m near one, and purchased a few things here and there, but each time I visit, the designs seem to be getting younger and fresher, and at an okay price (probably, in reality, a steal, but my cheap self cannot see it that way), especially if you hit the sale racks (where else do you shop?). I’m just happy to add another store to my true ”go to” list which up until today, I suppose, only included Old Navy, Target, Macy’s, and Kohl’s. Everywhere else is too expensive most of the time.

In other news, I’m going to start The Crazedby Ha Jin, which has been sitting on my bookshelf FOREVER. That makes for at least four books I have started and not finished yet. The War of Wars by Robert Harvey, which James gave me, is also on that list (sorry, James!).

This movie is on my must-see list: http://www.metacafe.com/watch/2768664/adam_movie_trailer/

That’s all for tonight!

What. A. Week…so far! I haven’t been getting enough sleep, so that’s a problem for my energy levels at work. Today I made the mistake of not getting in my morning coffee. I paid the price with a nasty headache that began at work and lasted until I could pop some Advil.

I’m reading/rereading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren, along with a pre-marriage devotional, both of which have been immensely thought-provoking so far. My dad also got me a book written by a fellow alum of his alma mater. It’s called Step Back from the Baggage Claim, and it’s about how human behavior around the baggage claim at the airport is a commentary on and metaphor for human nature, our culture, and so on. Also pretty good so far!

As our future military life becomes more and more real with each passing day, I pray harder and harder for the men and women serving abroad, especially for a sorority sister’s husband who was recently injured in Afghanistan. It feels wrong to pray more for those you know, or as you approach a period in your time that you know will be especially rough, as I should be praying for all soldiers alike all the time. I think of all of James’ close friends at school, though, and how it’s not just James’ safety that will weigh on my heart and mind, but theirs also. 22 years old seems so young to be an officer, but then again, 18 seems even younger to be an enlisted soldier. I wonder what the James’ enlisted men’s spouses will be like. I know I will struggle to maintain professional boundaries with women (and maybe men?) who will experience the same range of emotions I will.

Just some thoughts going through my head as I look forward to next year with wedding planning, sorting out future education ventures, and other unknowns.

Well, the subbing job fell through. Apparently, it costs too much to take on new subs when they already have subs in the database. Maybe next time! I’m glad I put myself out there for it. This weekend was a blast. Got to spend tons of time with James’ family. We ate well, laughed a lot, and spent a good deal of time watching old family videos.

James took me and his brother to see Inglourious Basterds. I really liked Kill Bill 1 and 2, so I figured I would decisively like/love this movie equally. Maybe it was the mood I was in, but it didn’t sit right with me like I thought it would. I didn’t hate it, but I definitely didn’t love it either. The plot line is very cool, very interesting (don’t want to give too much away in case anyone else out there hasn’t seen it). I would classify it as fiction based on or taking from history, not even historical fiction. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time (as was intended), but the gratuitous gore literally left me feeling sick. It didn’t help that most of the previews were for horror movies (HATE horror movies; no matter how irrational the plot line of them, they scare me senseless and make me feel sick…not in a good way). As I told James, I can’t decide how I feel about all of the violence. The subject matter of the movie is automatically predisposed to violence, but some scenes featuring knives and machine guns totally turned me off - the violence ceased to have a point (and perhaps, that in and of itself IS the point). I also don’t know how I feel about Taratino’s portrayal of Nazi leaders such as Hitler and Goebbels as comical so as to mock them. I don’t know how this film or others should properly respect the gravity of the evil embodied in these Nazi “characters”, and if mockery is truly enough to exact Taratino’s desired “revenge” on the Nazi evil. Even if I accept what Taratino is trying to do (and I do get what Taratino is trying to do), did it have to be THAT violent? What bothered me more was to sit a theater where I was one of the few disturbed by the extreme violence. Many even appeared to enjoy it, to relish in watching evil Nazis being riddled with bullets, a Nazi soldier being beaten in the head with a baseball bat, scalpings…you name it. I would guess to a point Taratino intended for the violence to at the very least shock while it entertained. I hope everyone in the theater was shocked despite their laughter. It is an interesting commentary on where limits of violence and warfare should exist and the morality of revenge (entirely too much to take on in this post, or maybe ever!).

All that said, I would enjoy the film a lot more a second time, and be able to pick up on more of the nuances that I missed while I braced myself for the next gore fest on the screen. The acting is really great on all counts, even Brad Pitt (ugh, it pains me to give him kudos), an actor Taratino should not have cast. I much prefer Taratino’s casting of alternative Hollywood actors or lesser known actors. If you do see this film, don’t eat a big meal beforehand, and go expecting blood and gore, and a fascinating “what if” tale (really did like how the plot unfolded).

In other news, I’m working at the elementary school where my grandma taught for a good part of her career tomorrow. It should be nice to walk the hallways there knowing she did the same many years ago.

Update on life

I haven’t posted much about my life since graduation. In late July, I got a job with a photo company, and I started work at the beginning of August. Now, with a month of work under my belt, I have to say it feels good to be busy again. I don’t make a ton, but I’m making money, and I’m employed, which in this economy, is more than I could ask for. I’m relieved to have a fun, fast-paced job that will keep me busy for the next year. Plus, I get to work with kids!

Over the next couple of weeks, I need to decide if I should 1. sit for the GRE 2. apply to start grad school in fall 2010. My fear about waiting another year to apply is that the job market might still be rough this time next year, when James and I have moved somewhere new and that I’ll be out of work indefinitely. I’m also worried my professors from college will 1. forget me as a student 2. be unwilling or unable to write reliable recommendations 2+ years out. I need to e-mail the four or five professors I asked to write me recommendations in the future about all of that. The downside to applying this fall is that I’ll be limited in where I can apply based on where James and I might be (i.e. I’d apply to schools near possible posts, then hope I get in near those posts, then pick after James gets our post in Feb. 2010). I don’t know if that matters much, but I might have to settle for a program or a school I didn’t entirely want based on post. It all might be too much of a shot in the dark. There’s also the possiblity for grad school tuition discounts as a military spouse. I need to decide SOON, so I know whether or not to take the GRE in the next month or two. I could also get my teacher’s certification next year, which wouldn’t necessarily require me to take the GRE. So many options!

In other news, I’m also going to sub a little this fall for my high school Chinese teacher, so that should be a good way to gauge whether or not I like kids enough to teach.